I’m Not Good Enough

Shame.  The very bottom of Dr. David Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness.  If you resonate at Shame, you’re vibrating at an energetic level of about 20.  The emotional level where I’m not good enough, I hate myself and I feel nothing reside.  A place that is dark and undeserving.

Shame is a challenging place to be, but unfortunately it’s one where most of us have been.  Just talking about Shame has a negative connotation to it.  Who wants to talk about their sense of shame?  After last week’s blog post I knew that the next steps were for me to discuss Dr. Hawkins’ work in depth and the best approach would be to start from the bottom, but I had resistance to discussing it.  But, why?  It meant me discussing my own past shames.  Even though I’ve worked through it, doesn’t necessarily mean I want to post it on the internet.   But, it’s the next step on my journey so here goes.

I spent quite a few years not feeling good enough.  Shame had a certain comfort to it.  I couldn’t say no to other people.  That would mean they might catch on to my not being good enough then they really wouldn’t love me.  The only thing that I truly wanted was for love to be in my life, but I couldn’t even love myself.  I spent a long time in that place of why would anyone love me.  How I ended up there is more complicated.  It involves topics that I’ve previously discussed and ones that I’ve yet to reveal, but the point is that I was ashamed of myself.  There were some bright shiny moments where I would allow myself to feel more, but eventually the feelings would come back and ensnare me again.

I knew that my family had a tendency towards addiction, so I avoided alcohol and drugs, but was trapped by one thing that I couldn’t avoid, food.  I would use sugary or salty foods, primarily junk foods to numb my pain.  It created a spiral where it would numb my pain, but then added to the feeling of being unlovable since I was overweight.

So how did I move up?  I began working through my past.  As I did more work and discovered more about myself, I started to allow little bits of love in.  There are some people that you can’t help but allow in.  For me, they were my nephews and niece.  Beginning with the birth of my eldest nephew in 2011, I had the pure light of a child in my life.  A new sense of wonder and the ability to look at life through a different set of eyes.  I could see for the first time that I didn’t start out there and I didn’t have to stay there.  I had hope.

Do you feel this way about a part of your life?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

I Don’t Want to Hear It . . .

Denial.  We’ve all had a case of denial, I can guarantee there is something in your life that you haven’t wanted to see, hear or admit to.  I’ve certainly been there.

In my life there have been things that I couldn’t see or didn’t want to see.  Things that I didn’t want to hear.  We know when our life isn’t going the way we wanted or expected it to, but denial can also be a way of making it through the day.

When I was about to turn 30, I knew my life wasn’t as I wanted it to be.  The things that I dreamed of hadn’t happened yet.  The reality was that it wasn’t someone else’s fault.  It was mine.  I wanted to blame someone else, but there wasn’t anyone else responsible for my choices.  I wanted someone else to come and save me, but I didn’t even want to save myself.  I didn’t want that to be the truth.  I wanted the truth to be that the timing was off or people couldn’t see who I truly was.  The truth was that I didn’t allow them to see me.  I didn’t let people close enough to see through the mask that I was wearing.  There are reasons why, but my past was impacting my present and my future.  I had to be willing to see the truth.  That was step 1.  Step 2 was more complicated, I had to look at it, examine it, and see it for what it truly was.  A clue.  That clue would lead me to change, but I had to be willing to act and do something different.  Is it easy?  No!  But it is worth it when you can see how your life has shifted.

I’m still a work in progress.  That’s part of life.  The challenges don’t stop because we want them to, but we can learn to adjust and face them head on.  We can examine them and let them go.

 What are you denying in your life right now?  What have you denied in the past?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more, click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

Fear of Change

Transitions are hard.  You know it and I know it.  We know life shouldn’t be this way, but it has been like this for so long we don’t know any other way.  Having the courage to make a change, can be a challenging first step to make, even when we know it is the right one.

I have spent most of my life living in fear.  Fear was an emotion that had a certain amount of comfort to it.  I had my first seizure before the age of 1.  We learned as I was growing up that they acted as a circuit breaker.  When I had a rapid temperature change, I would have a seizure.  Many people that I have spent time around have never seen a seizure.  My grandmother once handed me back to my mom when I started to have one.  For a small child, it seemed that people were fearful of me.

As I grew up, I felt a responsibility to show people that a person can live with seizures.  Wherever I worked, people knew about my disorder, but I also wanted to keep that part of my life separate.  I never wanted them to see me have a seizure and I didn’t want them to be afraid of that part of me.  Members of my immediate family had seen me have them and still loved me for me, but could other people?

One Friday morning I forgot to take my pills.  I remember making it into the office and most of the rest of the day is gone.  I have only a few memories and those that I do have are spotty.

I went back to work that Monday.  Whether my co-workers felt this or not, I’m not entirely sure, but it felt like they were afraid of me.  I tried to be the person that I was before, but they had seen a part of me they couldn’t unsee.  At that moment my work life started to unravel.

The fear of that moment led to other decisions.  Fear had taken hold a part of my life, the part that I felt I had under control.  I knew that things were different for so many reasons.  But I couldn’t figure a way out.  It took another 18 months for things to end and for a new opportunity to begin.

Deep down I knew that I didn’t belong there anymore.  So many signs presented themselves to me, but I couldn’t pull the trigger and take the necessary steps.  I reverted to my coping mechanism of choice.  I withdrew.  I kept to myself and put one foot in front of the other, but my heart wasn’t there, and those around me knew it.

For many of us we need help making this change.  In my case, I needed to be let go from my job.  Then another fear of what am I going to do now sets in?  I was fortunate.  I was able to put the pieces together relatively quickly.  I learned from my coaching calls that there is only way to get over fear and that is to move through it.   I have taken more chances in the last 11 months, then I did in the preceding 37 years.

This doesn’t mean that fear isn’t present in my life, but I have learned there is more to life than fear.  It can be used to guide us on to new and better things.  Sometimes we need to see our own lives from a different perspective.  My life now is all about helping people to see their lives with fresh eyes.  We can’t change our past, but we change the story we tell ourselves.  Every day is a new opportunity.  You may need to make a conscious choice to take that first step, but it gets easier over time.

What story in your life do you want to shift?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more, click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

Moving On


Moving on to another phase of life can be challenging.  It may mean giving up a long help dream or a hope for things to come.  There is also a transition period between the old life and the new life that can seem uncomfortable.  There is concern about things not working out the way you want them to, but you know what?  Sometimes you must take the leap.

I have dreams that I still feel like I should fight for, and others I know I need to move on from.  My business feels like one that I’m still fighting for.  I’m starting to see small shifts happen, and I celebrate each victory.  My personal life has more of a gray area coloring it.  There are times that I feel I should be ready to step into a new chapter and others where I slide back into the past.  There are still wounds I need to move on from and release.  Each day I let go of another piece.  2019 has been a huge transitional year.  I had to move from a career path that had defined me from more than 10 years.  I had to step into who I am called to be.  I had to rethink my dreams and release what no longer serves me.

But all the letting go and moving on have brought new adventures.  I am doing something for a living that I enjoy and doesn’t feel like work.  I am at a part-time job where I can be myself and be appreciated.  We recently had a staff meeting and I had the opportunity to hear what my co-workers (and now friends) thought of me.  I was blown away by the comments.  As a society we gravitate more towards the negative side of life instead of the positive.  Sometimes it is easier to hear the negative.  We rarely have the chance to hear what people love about us.  We typically express what drives us crazy about someone that we know.

I had to release my story this year as to why would people like me for me.  If I hadn’t been working on releasing that story and moving to a new way of thinking, I couldn’t have been in the space to hear that I am appreciated for being me.  It wasn’t easy to get to this spot.  It has involved a lot of work and tears, but I am moving into the next phase of my life with anticipation.

I could have wallowed and thrown myself a long-term pity party after being let go from my job in January, but there were other plans for me, and I knew it.  I was living small.  I put everyone else’s needs before my own.  I was trying to be who everyone else needed instead of who I truly was.  The “real” Sarah would emerge on occasion, but most of the time she was in hiding.  She wasn’t allowed to come out, it wasn’t safe.

That story had to go before I could step into my new life.  The path is still coming into focus for me.  We all have something glorious waiting for us, but we need to move on from the old and release it.  What story do you need to release?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more, click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

Why Hasn’t It Happened Yet?

Patience.  One of those lessons that can be challenging to learn.  We live in a society today where instantaneous results are expected.  It should have been done five minutes ago, but life doesn’t work that way.  There is more involved than our wants.

It is October here in Maine. The leaves are starting to fall, and the temperatures have dropped, but we don’t typically expect Nor’easters to happen yet.  They normally involve snow and large amounts of wind.  Last week we had one that involved rain and large amounts of wind.  More than 170,000 people lost power in southern Maine.  Living on a main route that has elderly housing on one side and a university on the other typically means we are near the top of the list when power outages occur.  Other than the Ice Storm of 1998 when we lost power for around 72 hours, we normally lose it for only about six hours, tops.  During this storm we lost power at 4:30 in the morning.  Just in time to wreck havoc on a morning routine.  My morning routine typically involves an exercise routine, a smoothie made with fruits and vegetables, and a shower.  Without power, I couldn’t do my cooler weather exercise routine which requires a television, to make my smoothie I needed a blender, and I guess I could have had a cold shower, but who wants one of those?  I started out by throwing myself a small pity party and hoping that the power would instantly come back on.  It didn’t.  I was going to have to be patient, but what did I do in the meantime?  My place of part-time employment had power, so I could spend my day at a place with electricity, something many others didn’t have.  I could go to the grocery store and buy a smoothie (something I would probably only do in a pinch in the future, they aren’t really filling).  I could walk a lot at work and I didn’t have to take a shower.  I got dressed and off I went. 

When I came home that night.  What to do?  I got ready for bed while we still had daylight.  Played cards and went to bed at 8:45. I hoped and set the intention the power would be on the next morning.  It wasn’t.  I went through my new routine again, but I went somewhere else to get my smoothie.  Just before leaving work that night the power came back on. 

Many storylines in my life right now require patience.  This is one of the simplest.  There are so many things at play.  In this case it seemed the places that lost power are the ones that typically don’t and many were the high priority areas.  So like many things in life another’s needs and actions were involved.  We can’t override another’s freewill with our manifestations.  Two.  Divine timing is at play.  A lesson was involved that needed to be learned.  Flexibility may have been a part of it for me.  The need to not be so entirely dependent on routines.  A reminder to be grateful for something as simple as electricity.  All these items needed to be acknowledged before power could be restored.  And three.  I wasn’t alone.  So many other people were in the same position at that moment.

These three lessons can be applied to so many situations.  I can think of multiple others going on in my life at this very moment.  I’m sure you can think of many as well.  They say patience is a virtue for a reason.  It’s something that we all need even at the happiest of times, but most of us don’t have an abundance of it on an everyday basis.

We want what we want, and we want it now.  Instant gratification.  We want to see the results of the actions we take.  We don’t want to wait for days or years to see our intentions made manifest.  There have been so many times where something looks right and feels right, but hasn’t happened yet.  Why?  Maybe the timing is off.  Maybe there is something else to be learned.  Maybe there is another reason.  Those don’t always matter to us in that moment, but they should.

As I have developed my intuitive skills, the lessons come through quicker.  It no longer takes years to discover the lesson.  My patience and dedication have paid off in that area of my life.  Remember to apply patience to all areas of life.  It is an important and valuable skill on life’s journey.

What areas of life do you need more patience?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more, click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

Time Out!

Sometimes before we can reach our destination, we need to take time off for ourselves.  We need to rest our bodies.  If we don’t listen, spirit will send signs and synchronicities to get our attention.  If you still don’t listen, it can send illnesses or ailments.

We can’t always go, go, go.  Sometimes we must take a time out.  With starting my own business, there are days where I go, go, go and don’t stop until I climb into bed.  There are other days where I feel like I must force myself to accomplish anything and that is ok.  It is all part of my process.

This past week has been all go, go, go.  I took some time on Sunday for me, but apparently it wasn’t enough because the universe sent me nausea.  Plus, I went for my monthly appointment with my chiropractor and my body was completely out of alignment.

I needed to take time to think and provide myself with clarity.  What specifically do I want?  Who do I want to be?  With that information I can begin the manifestation process.  I must be specific with what I want though.  I took some time to state specific goals for my business and personal life.  I can now begin releasing my anticipated outcome.  But I need to take small action steps to show that I am willing to move in that direction.  One of my goals is to start incorporating more of me into my social media.  I have been practicing for several months by recording myself, but no one has seen them yet.  It is time for me to be seen.  I had been getting the message on my daily walks, but haven’t done anything with the message.  So, the universe sent me a time out to ponder and reflect.  Now I need to work through the fear of showing my videos for others to see.  The only way to move past fear is through it.

Do you need to rest and relax?  Do you need clarity regarding an area of your life?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more, click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

Why Don’t Things Go the Way I Want?

Expectations are hard.  You desperately want things to go your way.  You want them to happen in a certain manner.  Expectations are challenging because the magic lies in the unexpected.

Our lives rarely unfold how we expected.  Spirit wants things to be better than we dreamed, but we need to allow that new vision to happen.

It is difficult to get out of our head and allow something to unfold.  One method that I’ve used in getting a different perspective is from talking to psychics, mediums, astrologers, energy healers and other intuitives.  Each one that I have spoken with has assisted me in looking at an event that is happening or has happened from a new perspective. 

With the new direction my life has taken this year, I have spoken to several readers to confirm the messages that I was receiving from the universe.  While you can read for yourself, expectations can be a problem.  It is easier to read for someone else than to read for yourself.

Since I began my spiritual journey, I’ve met many readers, many of whom I’m now friends with.  Every reader is unique, but most will provide you with clarity.  The best way to find a reader is to know someone who has had readings in the past.  This will provide you with information about the services the reader provides and whether they were good.  Who would I recommend?  These people aren’t listed in any order. 

I’ve done work with bigger names, but mainly as a student.  These have been my go-to people over the years when I have need one on one sessions. 

Who helps you with getting your expectations in perspective?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more, click here to book a discovery session or an appointment. 

Presence is Now

Living in the present moment should be easy, right?  I won’t speak for you, but for me it has always been a challenge.  I tend to dwell about the past, and look to what I want to happen, or be different in the future, instead of living in the moment. 

Why do I do that?  I haven’t quite figured out yet, except it is a problem that most people have, and I’m sure that you have experienced yourself.  We tend to not experience life from the present moment.   You want to know the answer before you have experienced the question.  You read a book, and you want to flip to the end to find out the ending.  But the key to making real change in your life is to live in the moment.

I have a good memory, which I have said to multiple people can be both a blessing and a curse.  One of the few times that my memory fails me is when I have a seizure.  To give further background of my seizure disorder, I saw a neurologist when I was a child.  In last week’s post, I went into some details about how my seizure disorder effected me as a child, now for the adult side.  My neurologist had said that my seizure disorder would probably return as an adult, but he couldn’t state in what form.  Seizures tend in be cyclical and hormonally based, so there are different onset periods.  I missed the one when I hit puberty, but I hit the one as I was moving into my 20’s.  As a child, I had grand mal seizures.  These are the types of seizures that everyone thinks of when they think of seizures.  As an adult, I was diagnosed with absence seizures.  I would space out for a few moments, and then my consciousness would return.  Looking back now, I can’t say for certain that being presented with those circumstances at that time that I would do anything different with them.  But what do I do next?  I went to a new neurologist.  Of course, what is next?  Tests.  I had to have an EEG where they make you stay up all night and then tape suction cups to your head.  They want you to fall asleep without moving and sitting up in a chair.  I don’t know about you, but I’m not the type of person that can sleep on command.  I’ve had this test a couple of times, and it has come to the point where they give me something to help me fall asleep.  I still can’t sleep during the test, but at least I’m somewhat relaxed.  During one test I still hadn’t fallen asleep several hours after the test was complete.  I guess sleep medication and I aren’t compatible.

The second test that they ordered was an MRI.  They wanted to make sure that there was nothing structurally wrong with my brain.  I went to have the MRI and the technician said that it would take an hour and a half, but if I moved during the test it would blur the images, and I might have to come back.  No way was I going to do that again.  The technician taped my head down to the table so that I could feel if I moved too much.  Luckily, I have only had to do this test once.   The neurologist said there was nothing structurally wrong with my brain and that it was normal.  My boss at the time said that couldn’t possibly be true and I should have a second opinion.  Funny guy.  So, I received my diagnosis and they put me on medication.  The medication would help my mind to not wander, but the medication presented a new obstacle.  If I forgot to take it, I could have a grand mal seizure.  This has happened to be a couple of times over the years. 

So, what does all of this have to do with living in the present moment?  According to Louise Hay’s book, “You Can Heal Your Life”, seizures are about “[r]running away from the family, from the self, or from life.”  So, at 19, what was going on.  You could say that I was running away from myself or from life.  I didn’t know how to be me.  It should be one of the simplest things to do, but I had forgotten how.  I would look at other people’s lives and could imagine myself in their place.  I wasn’t living my life; I was moving through the motions.  I would go to work and school.  Hang out with friends.  And repeat.  I would look forward to the day when things would change, but they didn’t start to change until I did.

Now I mentioned earlier that the medication has caused me to have a couple of grand mal seizures if I forget to take my medication.  I can look at these times and the memory loss drives me crazy because I lose a few moments before, and my complete memory doesn’t come back until I have slept.  The connections in my brain reform while I sleep, but what about the between time.  I exist.  I typically remember my name but holding conversations and answering questions is challenging.  My memory exists in snapshots.  I have one memory and I have another one two hours later.  I will never be able to fill in all the pieces.  What I have come to realize is that while it drives me crazy to not have all the pieces, I am better off.  When I have had a seizure, it forces me to live in the moment.  Now I wouldn’t say that I purposely forget to my medication so that I can live in the moment.  That would be stupid of me.  But in that time frame I am in that moment and only in that moment.  There is no past and there is no future.  There is only now.  That moment teaches me so much about how to live life. 

We manifest the life that we want when we can act from the present; when we have released our past and are not constantly looking to the future.  That is what having seizures have taught me.  How are you doing at living in the present moment?  Is there something that happens that forces you to be in the moment?  Remember we are all a work in progress.  Do you want to know more, click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.