I’m Not Good Enough

Shame.  The very bottom of Dr. David Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness.  If you resonate at Shame, you’re vibrating at an energetic level of about 20.  The emotional level where I’m not good enough, I hate myself and I feel nothing reside.  A place that is dark and undeserving.

Shame is a challenging place to be, but unfortunately it’s one where most of us have been.  Just talking about Shame has a negative connotation to it.  Who wants to talk about their sense of shame?  After last week’s blog post I knew that the next steps were for me to discuss Dr. Hawkins’ work in depth and the best approach would be to start from the bottom, but I had resistance to discussing it.  But, why?  It meant me discussing my own past shames.  Even though I’ve worked through it, doesn’t necessarily mean I want to post it on the internet.   But, it’s the next step on my journey so here goes.

I spent quite a few years not feeling good enough.  Shame had a certain comfort to it.  I couldn’t say no to other people.  That would mean they might catch on to my not being good enough then they really wouldn’t love me.  The only thing that I truly wanted was for love to be in my life, but I couldn’t even love myself.  I spent a long time in that place of why would anyone love me.  How I ended up there is more complicated.  It involves topics that I’ve previously discussed and ones that I’ve yet to reveal, but the point is that I was ashamed of myself.  There were some bright shiny moments where I would allow myself to feel more, but eventually the feelings would come back and ensnare me again.

I knew that my family had a tendency towards addiction, so I avoided alcohol and drugs, but was trapped by one thing that I couldn’t avoid, food.  I would use sugary or salty foods, primarily junk foods to numb my pain.  It created a spiral where it would numb my pain, but then added to the feeling of being unlovable since I was overweight.

So how did I move up?  I began working through my past.  As I did more work and discovered more about myself, I started to allow little bits of love in.  There are some people that you can’t help but allow in.  For me, they were my nephews and niece.  Beginning with the birth of my eldest nephew in 2011, I had the pure light of a child in my life.  A new sense of wonder and the ability to look at life through a different set of eyes.  I could see for the first time that I didn’t start out there and I didn’t have to stay there.  I had hope.

Do you feel this way about a part of your life?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

New Year. New Decade. New You!

It’s officially 2020!  The countdown seems to have lasted forever, but the year that was 2019 is officially in the past.

Waking up on New Year’s Day, the energy was already different.  There seemed to be more of a hum, then a constant buzz for me, but that doesn’t mean that the world that was 2019 has ended, but we are on to the next chapter.

If you follow astrology, you know that 2020 has plenty to experience.  There will be many planetary meetings in the sky.  Saturn, the planet of Karma, will continue to reveal our path and what we need to work on.

For me, 2019 felt like the year of challenges and lessons.  If you look at it from a numerological perspective, it had the world energy of a 3, but for me it was a personal year of 4.  I am a 1 life path and I felt every bit of the challenge in those numbers.  This year will be a 5 year for me and I’m looking forward to the natural match energy to my life path.  However, 2019 gave me the gift of exploration.  I was forced to look back at my past and what I wanted my future to be.  I had to work through all the emotional attachments to past events.  The coaching certification program that I enrolled in is based on the work of Dr. David Hawkins entitled Power vs. Force.  Dr. Hawkins examined human behavior and our bodies’ reaction to trauma.  He then placed the basic emotions on a map and assigned them on a scale up to 1000.  These emotions range from Shame to Enlightenment.

Most of us, I’m sure you’re included, want to skip all the way up to Enlightenment.  It is crappy to experience Shame, Guilt, Apathy, Grief, Fear or Anger.  The problem with our way of thinking is those emotions are still there.  I had spent so much time learning to come from a place of optimism and positivity that I hadn’t taken the time to acknowledge the hurt.  Once I did, space began to open.  Did everything I want to come through at once?  I wish, but I had to peel the layers away and tackle the next emotion.

The last few years and 2020 will be included, have been forcing all of us to examine our past.  You may not like it, I know I certainly haven’t, but we are being called to shift to a new perspective.  A new way of looking at things.  We can either continue to resist or you can open a new door.  A new possibility.  So many of us start the new year off with a resolution.  A friend of mine a few years ago mentioned that at the end of the previous year she assigns a word for what she wants to experience the next year.  It is this practice that I have been playing with.  My word for 2020 is expansion.  I want to continue to expand my life and those experiences that make up who I am.

Wouldn’t you like to make 2020 the year where you took a step to releasing the baggage that is your past?   I’m right there with you.  I continue to do this work every day.  At first it is a challenge, but like anything it gets easier.

So, what do you want 2020 to look like for you?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

Happily Ever After

Growing up I loved watching Disney movies.  To be honest, I still do.  Today we have role models that are powerful like Elsa and Moana.  They act from an empowered place.  They are who they are, and others need to learn to accept them for who they are.  My favorites in my youth were Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.  They don’t seem all that empowered now, they look like two role models who needed to be saved.

In 1981 Colette Dowling published a book The Cinderella Complex.  It’s a theory that women are afraid of independence and have an unconscious desire to be taken care of by others.  While I would love to say that I haven’t fallen into this trap, I probably have.  But, 2019 was the year that I started working on reversing this story.  I wanted someone to come and save me.  Whether it was from financial issues, having to work, or just being alone and wanting someone to be in a relationship with.  I wanted someone else to come and save me from life’s problems.  Like a fairy tale, I dreamed that by having someone “save me” all my problems would disappear.

There was just one problem, nobody else could save me.  I had to learn to save myself.  I had to take control and be empowered in my own life.  The idea that I had been waiting to be saved was a difficult one to swallow.  Why would I do that?  I don’t really have an explanation.  There are many theories that our experiences up to the ages of 7 to 8 shape who we become as adults.  Could that include something as simple as watching a movie repeatedly?  Maybe.  There is also the conditioning of women by society that could be a part of it.  Growing up women have been taught that our main responsibility is to be a wife and a mother.  Until the 1970’s, women only had a few career options, including being a secretary or teacher.  Once you were married, your occupation became that of a housewife.  Women didn’t even obtain the right to vote until 1920.

I was born at the end of 1980, so lots of changes were still underway regarding the role of women in the workplace and the home.  It is still shifting today.  In order to become the person that I am meant to be, I have had to examine my programing and work to save myself.  Only I can do that.  I can have someone else as a partner in my journey and discuss a path forward, but the ultimate decision is mine, as it is yours.  Only you can change your life. 

For me, 2019 has meant stepping into the person that I’m meant to be.  I’m still a work in progress, as are you, and we all are until the day we breathe our last breath.

In fairy tales, movies, and books, there is an end.  Many of them ending with a happily ever after.  We spend our lives seeking our own version of happily ever after, but what if we have it wrong?  What if our version of happily ever after is meant to be about ourselves?  We can never be truly happy in our lives if we don’t love who we are.  Another person can’t make you love yourself.  It’s an inside job.

So, as we close out not only another year, but another decade, what is your goal for 2020?  Who do you want to become?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment. 

Fantasy vs. Reality

For many of us a fantasy world can be a better world to reside in.  Reality can seem harsh at times.  It can be challenging to just move forward or get out of bed in the morning.  Reality can feel crushing at times and can lead to lots of tears.

A tower moment in my own life has been reached.  There are times when I prefer to live in the world of potential.  The land of yet to come, but that can be a distraction from looking at what is wrong in my life.  The energies of the past few days have made it impossible for me to live in a world of fantasy.  The reality of my life at this moment is a cocktail of disappointment and frustration.  2019 has been one of the most challenging years of my life.  I have travelled new paths and even though I know it is the right one, that doesn’t always make it easy.

My struggles are just as real as yours.  One moment I can be fine and the next a sobbing mess.  The slightest thing can set me off.  The unexpected can be a crash over a cliff.  There can be pain in knowing that something can’t happen yet.  This week I have been tested to practice what I preach.  After a few days of not being able to clearly see options, I reached out to a fellow coach to help with the reality of my life in this moment.

I’m optimistic because life can change for the better in an instant, but right now I’m taking my own advice and sitting with the pain.  About a year ago I received the warning of a bad review that my life was about to shift.  I started thinking and planning, but in reflection I’m still coming to terms with what that meant.  Things haven’t gone exactly as expected.  There have been challenges, struggles and lessons learned, but I must find my way forward.  I’m sure there will be more lessons as I progress, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that one day soon joy will feature more prominently in my life.

Reality can feel harsh, but it is showing me a new way forward.  I must continue to grow and expand, just as you do.  Life isn’t perfect.  My life isn’t perfect and I’m sure that yours isn’t either.  The pain of reality can stop so many of us from pursuing our dreams.  I’m working on now allowing the reality of what my life looks like right now stop me from finding success on my new path, but my fantasy world still has its place.  It allows me to dream and ponder the possibilities.

What does your reality look like?  What do you want it to look like?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

Why Do You Want to Change?

I have been grappling with the concepts of change.  What is your perspective on change?  What makes you truly want to change?

There is always a different viewpoint, a new perspective of the status quo, but what is it that motivates you to act?  For myself, I make a change because I feel like I have no other options.  One example was in starting my business.  I wanted to have the new endeavor all figured out and know precisely what it was that I was going to do before I took a leap.  My problem was I might not have allowed enough time for my scenario to truly evolve.  Making any change can be difficult, especially one that impacts your entire life, but I knew there were other plans for me.  I knew it and I fought it, even though everything in my life was telling me to take a different path and I had a choice to make.  I could continue to fight the changes as I had been doing for so long finding one excuse after another, or change.  I didn’t have a concrete plan for where I wanted to go or what I wanted my business to look like; I didn’t have a name;  I didn’t know how to combine my skill set and interests into a business.    On reflection I found I was being shown an alternative path.  My epiphany started right before Christmas last year when I received the messages from my spiritual guides that I could become a coach, which would fit all my interests and in many ways it seemed like a natural fit.  I decided to investigate a certification program, but my fears and ego got in the way.  Suddenly change was necessary when I lost my job.  While I searched for the answers to why and what, I could have gone out and looked for another job, but deep down I knew that I would end up right back in the same place that I already was.   Is it scary?  Absolutely!  But, does the path I’m on feel right, yes.

Most changes I have made were because I felt like I had no other options.  I would switch to another job only when I had exhausted all possibilities in that situation.  I would take a chance because I couldn’t take where I was anymore.  Is that the best way to make a change?  Probably not, but I’m not alone in job change or loss being a motivating factor.  I was afraid to look at a different perspective.  My stand point hadn’t shifted.  I talked with other people that owned their own businesses.  Could that be me?  Could I truly do it?  How would I be financially secure while I was making this life altering shift?  I didn’t have all the answers and I still don’t, but I can always seek a new perspective by changing my standpoint.  I can ask people for their opinion or guidance; I can follow a path that I’m being spiritually guided in; I can look at something differently.

So, I repeat.  What makes you want to change?  Do you feel like you have no options left?  Do you get an intuitive nudge and move?  Review your past, what has made you take the leap?  Think about what you to change then truly change something that doesn’t work for you anymore.  Sometimes if you want a different ending you need a new perspective and a leap of faith.

I’m interested in your motivating factor.  Let me know what it is.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

I Wish Things Were Different

Here in the United States, we are officially in holiday season.  We just had Thanksgiving and Christmas is a few weeks away.  I love the festive nature of this time of year.  I have always loved driving at night and seeing Christmas lights decorating people’s homes.  There is hope held in those lights.  Hope that things can change. 

Are there also stresses?  Absolutely!  But many of those stresses appear because we’re trying to be someone we’re not.  We’re trying to buy more than we can afford.  We’re visiting with family and friends that have differing opinions.  We want people to think the same way we do.  But that isn’t possible.  The people in our lives don’t have our life experiences.  Therefore, they can’t see things the same way.  These stresses in our lives can become a little easier if we accept things for how they are. 

Don’t get me wrong there is always hope in life, but there so many times that we wish someone else was different.  The problem is that we can’t change other people we can only change ourselves. 

There have been more times than I can count that I wanted someone or something to be different.  I wanted the situation to magically change without having to do things differently.  I’m sure you’ve been there.  My life began to shift when I started to change me.  The biggest thing that I had to do was accept me as I am.  I spent most of my life comparing myself to other people.  I didn’t look like they did.  I acted differently than they did.  I wasn’t in the same place in my life.

I spent so long focusing on how I was different not realizing those differences made me who I am.  I had to accept myself as the unique person I am.  Those differences made me special and eventually started me on to a new path.  There’s a flip side as well.  I had to accept others as they were and not who I thought they should be.  I could either ask why someone didn’t like me or ask why does it bother me that they don’t?  I had to accept that their opinions were as valid as my own.

What do you need to accept in your life?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more, click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

I Don’t Want to Hear It . . .

Denial.  We’ve all had a case of denial, I can guarantee there is something in your life that you haven’t wanted to see, hear or admit to.  I’ve certainly been there.

In my life there have been things that I couldn’t see or didn’t want to see.  Things that I didn’t want to hear.  We know when our life isn’t going the way we wanted or expected it to, but denial can also be a way of making it through the day.

When I was about to turn 30, I knew my life wasn’t as I wanted it to be.  The things that I dreamed of hadn’t happened yet.  The reality was that it wasn’t someone else’s fault.  It was mine.  I wanted to blame someone else, but there wasn’t anyone else responsible for my choices.  I wanted someone else to come and save me, but I didn’t even want to save myself.  I didn’t want that to be the truth.  I wanted the truth to be that the timing was off or people couldn’t see who I truly was.  The truth was that I didn’t allow them to see me.  I didn’t let people close enough to see through the mask that I was wearing.  There are reasons why, but my past was impacting my present and my future.  I had to be willing to see the truth.  That was step 1.  Step 2 was more complicated, I had to look at it, examine it, and see it for what it truly was.  A clue.  That clue would lead me to change, but I had to be willing to act and do something different.  Is it easy?  No!  But it is worth it when you can see how your life has shifted.

I’m still a work in progress.  That’s part of life.  The challenges don’t stop because we want them to, but we can learn to adjust and face them head on.  We can examine them and let them go.

 What are you denying in your life right now?  What have you denied in the past?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more, click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

I Am Addicted To. . .

Addictions can be many things, but I tend to see them as coping mechanisms.  Most of us can see people becoming addicted to drugs or alcohol, but you can become addicted to almost anything that numbs you from an experience.

Growing up I knew that a lot of adults in our family had battled an addiction with alcohol so I knew that I should stay clear.  Plus, I didn’t care for the feeling of being drunk.  I grew up in the 80’s when the “Just Say No” campaign was in full swing, so I didn’t try drugs.  My maternal grandfather was diagnosed with emphysema, so I had no desire to even smoke.  So, what is my addiction of choice, do you say?  I have a sugar addiction.  I use sugar to numb the pain of life.  I have used it to boost my energy levels or just get through the day.  The issue with this type of addiction is that sugar is in almost every food that we eat.  I have no desire at this stage in my life to make everything from scratch, I have to learn to work around it.  Some days are better than others.

Think about it.  I’m sure that you can tell me one thing that you’re addicted to.  It may be coffee.  And why do you drink coffee every day?  It gives you the energy you need to make it through the day.

When we aren’t carrying around our past baggage, our energy levels naturally increase, and we can make it through the day without our vice of choice.  The addition may even naturally disappear.  But, if the addiction re-presents itself, your energy levels have most likely dropped.  The drop in energy levels can mean that you’re avoiding something.  The only way to truly change your life is to experience the pain.  When sugar comes back into my life, I know that I’m avoiding something.  It doesn’t necessarily make it easier to tackle, but it’s time to start peeling away the layers and begin the feeling process.

What emotions don’t you want to experience?  Why don’t you want to confront them?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more, click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

Fear of Change

Transitions are hard.  You know it and I know it.  We know life shouldn’t be this way, but it has been like this for so long we don’t know any other way.  Having the courage to make a change, can be a challenging first step to make, even when we know it is the right one.

I have spent most of my life living in fear.  Fear was an emotion that had a certain amount of comfort to it.  I had my first seizure before the age of 1.  We learned as I was growing up that they acted as a circuit breaker.  When I had a rapid temperature change, I would have a seizure.  Many people that I have spent time around have never seen a seizure.  My grandmother once handed me back to my mom when I started to have one.  For a small child, it seemed that people were fearful of me.

As I grew up, I felt a responsibility to show people that a person can live with seizures.  Wherever I worked, people knew about my disorder, but I also wanted to keep that part of my life separate.  I never wanted them to see me have a seizure and I didn’t want them to be afraid of that part of me.  Members of my immediate family had seen me have them and still loved me for me, but could other people?

One Friday morning I forgot to take my pills.  I remember making it into the office and most of the rest of the day is gone.  I have only a few memories and those that I do have are spotty.

I went back to work that Monday.  Whether my co-workers felt this or not, I’m not entirely sure, but it felt like they were afraid of me.  I tried to be the person that I was before, but they had seen a part of me they couldn’t unsee.  At that moment my work life started to unravel.

The fear of that moment led to other decisions.  Fear had taken hold a part of my life, the part that I felt I had under control.  I knew that things were different for so many reasons.  But I couldn’t figure a way out.  It took another 18 months for things to end and for a new opportunity to begin.

Deep down I knew that I didn’t belong there anymore.  So many signs presented themselves to me, but I couldn’t pull the trigger and take the necessary steps.  I reverted to my coping mechanism of choice.  I withdrew.  I kept to myself and put one foot in front of the other, but my heart wasn’t there, and those around me knew it.

For many of us we need help making this change.  In my case, I needed to be let go from my job.  Then another fear of what am I going to do now sets in?  I was fortunate.  I was able to put the pieces together relatively quickly.  I learned from my coaching calls that there is only way to get over fear and that is to move through it.   I have taken more chances in the last 11 months, then I did in the preceding 37 years.

This doesn’t mean that fear isn’t present in my life, but I have learned there is more to life than fear.  It can be used to guide us on to new and better things.  Sometimes we need to see our own lives from a different perspective.  My life now is all about helping people to see their lives with fresh eyes.  We can’t change our past, but we change the story we tell ourselves.  Every day is a new opportunity.  You may need to make a conscious choice to take that first step, but it gets easier over time.

What story in your life do you want to shift?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more, click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

Moving On


Moving on to another phase of life can be challenging.  It may mean giving up a long help dream or a hope for things to come.  There is also a transition period between the old life and the new life that can seem uncomfortable.  There is concern about things not working out the way you want them to, but you know what?  Sometimes you must take the leap.

I have dreams that I still feel like I should fight for, and others I know I need to move on from.  My business feels like one that I’m still fighting for.  I’m starting to see small shifts happen, and I celebrate each victory.  My personal life has more of a gray area coloring it.  There are times that I feel I should be ready to step into a new chapter and others where I slide back into the past.  There are still wounds I need to move on from and release.  Each day I let go of another piece.  2019 has been a huge transitional year.  I had to move from a career path that had defined me from more than 10 years.  I had to step into who I am called to be.  I had to rethink my dreams and release what no longer serves me.

But all the letting go and moving on have brought new adventures.  I am doing something for a living that I enjoy and doesn’t feel like work.  I am at a part-time job where I can be myself and be appreciated.  We recently had a staff meeting and I had the opportunity to hear what my co-workers (and now friends) thought of me.  I was blown away by the comments.  As a society we gravitate more towards the negative side of life instead of the positive.  Sometimes it is easier to hear the negative.  We rarely have the chance to hear what people love about us.  We typically express what drives us crazy about someone that we know.

I had to release my story this year as to why would people like me for me.  If I hadn’t been working on releasing that story and moving to a new way of thinking, I couldn’t have been in the space to hear that I am appreciated for being me.  It wasn’t easy to get to this spot.  It has involved a lot of work and tears, but I am moving into the next phase of my life with anticipation.

I could have wallowed and thrown myself a long-term pity party after being let go from my job in January, but there were other plans for me, and I knew it.  I was living small.  I put everyone else’s needs before my own.  I was trying to be who everyone else needed instead of who I truly was.  The “real” Sarah would emerge on occasion, but most of the time she was in hiding.  She wasn’t allowed to come out, it wasn’t safe.

That story had to go before I could step into my new life.  The path is still coming into focus for me.  We all have something glorious waiting for us, but we need to move on from the old and release it.  What story do you need to release?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more, click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.