Category: Inner Child

Presence is Now

Living in the present moment should be easy, right?  I won’t speak for you, but for me it has always been a challenge.  I tend to dwell about the past, and look to what I want to happen, or be different in the future, instead of living in the moment. 

Why do I do that?  I haven’t quite figured out yet, except it is a problem that most people have, and I’m sure that you have experienced yourself.  We tend to not experience life from the present moment.   You want to know the answer before you have experienced the question.  You read a book, and you want to flip to the end to find out the ending.  But the key to making real change in your life is to live in the moment.

I have a good memory, which I have said to multiple people can be both a blessing and a curse.  One of the few times that my memory fails me is when I have a seizure.  To give further background of my seizure disorder, I saw a neurologist when I was a child.  In last week’s post, I went into some details about how my seizure disorder effected me as a child, now for the adult side.  My neurologist had said that my seizure disorder would probably return as an adult, but he couldn’t state in what form.  Seizures tend in be cyclical and hormonally based, so there are different onset periods.  I missed the one when I hit puberty, but I hit the one as I was moving into my 20’s.  As a child, I had grand mal seizures.  These are the types of seizures that everyone thinks of when they think of seizures.  As an adult, I was diagnosed with absence seizures.  I would space out for a few moments, and then my consciousness would return.  Looking back now, I can’t say for certain that being presented with those circumstances at that time that I would do anything different with them.  But what do I do next?  I went to a new neurologist.  Of course, what is next?  Tests.  I had to have an EEG where they make you stay up all night and then tape suction cups to your head.  They want you to fall asleep without moving and sitting up in a chair.  I don’t know about you, but I’m not the type of person that can sleep on command.  I’ve had this test a couple of times, and it has come to the point where they give me something to help me fall asleep.  I still can’t sleep during the test, but at least I’m somewhat relaxed.  During one test I still hadn’t fallen asleep several hours after the test was complete.  I guess sleep medication and I aren’t compatible.

The second test that they ordered was an MRI.  They wanted to make sure that there was nothing structurally wrong with my brain.  I went to have the MRI and the technician said that it would take an hour and a half, but if I moved during the test it would blur the images, and I might have to come back.  No way was I going to do that again.  The technician taped my head down to the table so that I could feel if I moved too much.  Luckily, I have only had to do this test once.   The neurologist said there was nothing structurally wrong with my brain and that it was normal.  My boss at the time said that couldn’t possibly be true and I should have a second opinion.  Funny guy.  So, I received my diagnosis and they put me on medication.  The medication would help my mind to not wander, but the medication presented a new obstacle.  If I forgot to take it, I could have a grand mal seizure.  This has happened to be a couple of times over the years. 

So, what does all of this have to do with living in the present moment?  According to Louise Hay’s book, “You Can Heal Your Life”, seizures are about “[r]running away from the family, from the self, or from life.”  So, at 19, what was going on.  You could say that I was running away from myself or from life.  I didn’t know how to be me.  It should be one of the simplest things to do, but I had forgotten how.  I would look at other people’s lives and could imagine myself in their place.  I wasn’t living my life; I was moving through the motions.  I would go to work and school.  Hang out with friends.  And repeat.  I would look forward to the day when things would change, but they didn’t start to change until I did.

Now I mentioned earlier that the medication has caused me to have a couple of grand mal seizures if I forget to take my medication.  I can look at these times and the memory loss drives me crazy because I lose a few moments before, and my complete memory doesn’t come back until I have slept.  The connections in my brain reform while I sleep, but what about the between time.  I exist.  I typically remember my name but holding conversations and answering questions is challenging.  My memory exists in snapshots.  I have one memory and I have another one two hours later.  I will never be able to fill in all the pieces.  What I have come to realize is that while it drives me crazy to not have all the pieces, I am better off.  When I have had a seizure, it forces me to live in the moment.  Now I wouldn’t say that I purposely forget to my medication so that I can live in the moment.  That would be stupid of me.  But in that time frame I am in that moment and only in that moment.  There is no past and there is no future.  There is only now.  That moment teaches me so much about how to live life. 

We manifest the life that we want when we can act from the present; when we have released our past and are not constantly looking to the future.  That is what having seizures have taught me.  How are you doing at living in the present moment?  Is there something that happens that forces you to be in the moment?  Remember we are all a work in progress.  Do you want to know more, click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

Children Should Be Seen, Not Heard

Sarah in 1982

Society teaches us that children should be seen and not heard.  What could children possibly have to teach us?  A lot.  Children are in a pure statement of enlightenment when they enter this world.  All they need is love and nourishment.  As we grow older the list of what we “need” grows and expands.  Is it true that we need a new iPhone every year?

So, where do we stray off course?  We are taught to conform to a certain set of standards.  There are rules we must follow.  In some instances, those rules can start us on the path of losing who we are.  Our inner child is ignored.  We must move forward on the path we have forged.  But what happens when your inner child can no longer be ignored? 

My inner child journey began in 2011 with a real child entering my life, my oldest nephew.  From the time he entered the world, you could see a sense of purity.  A niece and two more nephews have joined him over the years.  Each of them is different, but their needs remain the same: love and nourishment.   So, where did I steer off course?  Society can get in the way at an early age.  When we first enter the world, we are unable to communicate with words and are entirely dependent on other people to interpret our needs.  We develop our sense of safety and security by the age of 1.  Before the age of 1, I began to have seizures (I was officially diagnosed with a seizure disorder at 19 (a story for another time).  My temperature would rise, and I would have a seizure.  I would develop an ear infection, and suffer another seizure.  My body had a natural defense mechanism to keep my body at stasis, but the mind and the body have two different interpretations of what is happening.  Of course, we all want to know what is wrong.  Had this information been wider known at the time, my journey could have been different, but it can’t be that way, because I needed to learn this lesson to help others. 

So, what is the next step?  The doctor, of course.  So, before a year old, I went through a series of tests.  Maybe it is spinal meningitis?  Let’s give her a spinal tap.  Let’s put her on medication, but we need to make sure it isn’t harming her, and her blood levels aren’t too high.  Let’s draw blood and check.  Oops something happened with the test results!  We need to stop the medication and reset her system.  Withdrawal systems ensued.  Medications haven’t been known to alter the personality; it can’t be that.  I’ll let you in on a secret, they can.  All of this happened before the age of 5.  Then upon entering school, I wasn’t like the other kids behaviorally, so I was off to occupational therapy.  Then there are the “normal” interactions between kids on the playground and in class.  My inner child didn’t stand a chance.  And by the way neither did my parents.  We trust professionals to help us, but we all operate through a lens.   That lens can impact your entire life if you aren’t careful.

It’s no wonder that as I entered my 30's, I had no idea who I was.  I started to dig in.  Who am I?  A simple question became a journey, but it wasn’t until I started to let my inner child speak, that I saw an answer emerge.  I had spent my life believing I wasn’t good enough.  I had to be someone else, when the truth was that a small scared child inside of me was trying the best that she could to keep me safe.  I had developed two parts of my personality, the adult and the inner child.  When I got scared, I would act from my inner child.  The child who by 5 learned that to survive in the world, I had to wear a mask.  Of course, the mask still comes out.  It is now a survival mechanism, but I can recognize it quicker and step back into a more authentic version of myself. 

Are decisions still terrifying?  Absolutely!  But change is a part of life, whether it is seen as a good change or a bad change.  What is your inner child trying to reveal?  What do you need to do to give your inner child an opportunity to speak?  What does your inner child have to say?  Do you want to know more, click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.  How can I help you to make a change?

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