It’s Not My Fault!

Apathy or Blame.  Number 3 on the Map of Consciousness.  Where it’s not my fault.  Why did they do this to me?  This is where the helpless and poor me reside and you’re the victim of your life.  According to Dr. Hawkins, Apathy resonates at a vibration of 50.

When you’re in Apathy, you tend to feel stuck and can’t move forward.  You can’t decide.  A person can remain in Apathy for a long time unless their focus begins to shift.  You may not want to feel an emotion, whether it be grief, fear, or anger.  You may not want to make a decision that could be difficult.  You may not even know you’re doing it.  Sometimes it’s easier to be stuck.  It can feel like no matter what you do, nothing will change.  It can’t possibly get any better.  Are you exhausted?  You could be resonating here in Apathy.  You’re left wandering around, just feeling lost.

What if I said that you don’t have to stay here, but like Shame and Guilt, you need to speak it and own what has led you to this point.

Emotional numbing is term that is used when it comes to Apathy.  For many years, I didn’t want to feel anything bad.  I only wanted to experience the good in life.  I had experienced enough loss.  Too many people that I knew had died or let me down and I was tired of it.  I didn’t want to hurt anymore.  I was avoiding the pain.  I was in denial.

I would complain about my life.  Other people were making my life miserable.  At one of my previous jobs, I loved it until the main attorney I worked with left to move across the country.  I was assigned to another attorney.  We had different work styles and I wasn’t all that interested in the type of law that she practiced, but I didn’t have a choice.  I tried to push through as best I could, but I was quickly losing interest.  I tried to get assigned to someone else, but that didn’t work.  Every night I would come home and complain.  I would get sympathy from some of my co-workers.  I felt like I had no options.  This went on for months.  Eventually the emotions took over.  I would listen to “Mean” by Taylor Swift repeatedly on the ride home and cry.  Nothing was changing.

One day I had a conversation with a colleague.  He said I had options.  If things couldn’t change where I was, I had the option to leave.  I had never considered myself a quitter.  My father had worked at one job for his career.  I thought that was part of having a career, you worked at one job until your retired.  It was the first time I felt like I had options.  I started to think about the possibility of something new.  Within a few weeks, I had a new job.

Denial had been a pattern for me in the past.  Maybe if I stuck my head in the sand, the problem would go away.  But it never did.  I had to accept the situation for what it was.  I had to grieve what I had lost.  I had to move up the Map of Consciousness.

Who do you blame?  What’s keeping you stuck?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

Why Did I Say That?

Guilt.  The feeling of being a failure and inadequate.  Where you ask yourself why did I do that?  Why did I say that?  Can I fix it?  On Dr. Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness, Guilt vibrates at a level of 30.

Guilt is a step up from Shame.  The biggest difference between the two is with Shame, you’re a bad person and with Guilt what you did was bad.  Guilt still isn’t an emotion that most of us wish to talk about, but it is better than speaking about your Shame.  The only way through these emotions is to speak them aloud.

I spent a large portion of my life living in Guilt.  I would question everything I said.  I wanted to fix it, but I didn’t know how.  I spent hours of my day trying to figure out what I did or said that was wrong.  How did I end up there?  I felt guilty if I acted and guilty if I didn’t.  Why didn’t I say anything? 

The things that I wished that I had said were the most common for me.  I wished that I had told someone that I liked him, or I didn’t speak up for myself and allowed someone to walk all over me.  But why didn’t I?  Could I say something the next time and “fix it”?  What if I could go back and do something over again and then fix it?  These were the repeating stories in my head.  Most every interaction with someone else led to these questions and it was exhausting.

In the past my tendency was to keep quiet.  When I would say something and it wouldn’t come out right or someone would misinterpret my point, it was easier to keep quiet.  We can have as much guilt for what we did do or say as what we didn’t.  My guilt and shame were one in this case.  If I didn’t say something, it was because I thought who was I to have an opinion or to think that someone might feel the same way?

There’s a saying that the guilt can eat you alive and it can.  It’s an emotion that can take the joy of life away from you.  If you question everything you say, every action or reaction, what’s left?  My mind would loop around the past.  Why did I do that?  Why did I say that?  But by living in Guilt I never allowed myself to live in the present.  I didn’t allow myself to experience life or what could be.

To get out of the loop, I had to determine what my Guilt was about.  Once I was able to speak it and claim it, I was on to the next level of the map, Apathy.

What do you feel Guilty about?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

I’m Not Good Enough

Shame.  The very bottom of Dr. David Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness.  If you resonate at Shame, you’re vibrating at an energetic level of about 20.  The emotional level where I’m not good enough, I hate myself and I feel nothing reside.  A place that is dark and undeserving.

Shame is a challenging place to be, but unfortunately it’s one where most of us have been.  Just talking about Shame has a negative connotation to it.  Who wants to talk about their sense of shame?  After last week’s blog post I knew that the next steps were for me to discuss Dr. Hawkins’ work in depth and the best approach would be to start from the bottom, but I had resistance to discussing it.  But, why?  It meant me discussing my own past shames.  Even though I’ve worked through it, doesn’t necessarily mean I want to post it on the internet.   But, it’s the next step on my journey so here goes.

I spent quite a few years not feeling good enough.  Shame had a certain comfort to it.  I couldn’t say no to other people.  That would mean they might catch on to my not being good enough then they really wouldn’t love me.  The only thing that I truly wanted was for love to be in my life, but I couldn’t even love myself.  I spent a long time in that place of why would anyone love me.  How I ended up there is more complicated.  It involves topics that I’ve previously discussed and ones that I’ve yet to reveal, but the point is that I was ashamed of myself.  There were some bright shiny moments where I would allow myself to feel more, but eventually the feelings would come back and ensnare me again.

I knew that my family had a tendency towards addiction, so I avoided alcohol and drugs, but was trapped by one thing that I couldn’t avoid, food.  I would use sugary or salty foods, primarily junk foods to numb my pain.  It created a spiral where it would numb my pain, but then added to the feeling of being unlovable since I was overweight.

So how did I move up?  I began working through my past.  As I did more work and discovered more about myself, I started to allow little bits of love in.  There are some people that you can’t help but allow in.  For me, they were my nephews and niece.  Beginning with the birth of my eldest nephew in 2011, I had the pure light of a child in my life.  A new sense of wonder and the ability to look at life through a different set of eyes.  I could see for the first time that I didn’t start out there and I didn’t have to stay there.  I had hope.

Do you feel this way about a part of your life?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

New Year. New Decade. New You!

It’s officially 2020!  The countdown seems to have lasted forever, but the year that was 2019 is officially in the past.

Waking up on New Year’s Day, the energy was already different.  There seemed to be more of a hum, then a constant buzz for me, but that doesn’t mean that the world that was 2019 has ended, but we are on to the next chapter.

If you follow astrology, you know that 2020 has plenty to experience.  There will be many planetary meetings in the sky.  Saturn, the planet of Karma, will continue to reveal our path and what we need to work on.

For me, 2019 felt like the year of challenges and lessons.  If you look at it from a numerological perspective, it had the world energy of a 3, but for me it was a personal year of 4.  I am a 1 life path and I felt every bit of the challenge in those numbers.  This year will be a 5 year for me and I’m looking forward to the natural match energy to my life path.  However, 2019 gave me the gift of exploration.  I was forced to look back at my past and what I wanted my future to be.  I had to work through all the emotional attachments to past events.  The coaching certification program that I enrolled in is based on the work of Dr. David Hawkins entitled Power vs. Force.  Dr. Hawkins examined human behavior and our bodies’ reaction to trauma.  He then placed the basic emotions on a map and assigned them on a scale up to 1000.  These emotions range from Shame to Enlightenment.

Most of us, I’m sure you’re included, want to skip all the way up to Enlightenment.  It is crappy to experience Shame, Guilt, Apathy, Grief, Fear or Anger.  The problem with our way of thinking is those emotions are still there.  I had spent so much time learning to come from a place of optimism and positivity that I hadn’t taken the time to acknowledge the hurt.  Once I did, space began to open.  Did everything I want to come through at once?  I wish, but I had to peel the layers away and tackle the next emotion.

The last few years and 2020 will be included, have been forcing all of us to examine our past.  You may not like it, I know I certainly haven’t, but we are being called to shift to a new perspective.  A new way of looking at things.  We can either continue to resist or you can open a new door.  A new possibility.  So many of us start the new year off with a resolution.  A friend of mine a few years ago mentioned that at the end of the previous year she assigns a word for what she wants to experience the next year.  It is this practice that I have been playing with.  My word for 2020 is expansion.  I want to continue to expand my life and those experiences that make up who I am.

Wouldn’t you like to make 2020 the year where you took a step to releasing the baggage that is your past?   I’m right there with you.  I continue to do this work every day.  At first it is a challenge, but like anything it gets easier.

So, what do you want 2020 to look like for you?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.