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I’m Not Going to Take It Any Longer!

Anger. The 7th level of the Map of Consciousness according to Dr. David Hawkins, which resonates at a vibration of 150 within the body.  It’s the place where hostility and resistance reside.  You’re tired and you won’t accept this any longer.  The biggest advantage to this vibration is that for the first time you’re willing to stand up for yourself and realize that nobody is coming to save you.

When we are in the lower levels, we tend to want to people to accept us, so we’re willing to bend over backwards to accommodate their needs, while sacrificing our own.  For the first time, anger is where you realize that you matter, and you won’t take it anymore.

For so many years, I didn’t want to be angry.  I had seen anger and it typically ended with me being in tears.  I didn’t like it and I wanted to avoid the emotion at all costs.  I didn’t consider myself to be an angry person, but I wanted to be accepted.  I would allow people to walk all over me.  My feelings didn’t really matter.  I would find ways to stuff them down.  I had anger that I needed to release before I could move up to the next level of Pride. 

This past weekend Mercury went retrograde meaning that we’re being asked to review parts of our past.  The feeling of being taken advantage of started to come up.  Someone I know asked me to do them a favor.  I allowed myself permission to say no and stand firm in my decision.  I felt badly, but I needed to stand up for myself and stay committed to my plans.  A few days later I received another message asking the same question.  I’m being challenged.  Have I learned the lesson to stand up for myself and say no?  No one is going to save me and it’s time for me to save myself.  Is there anything in it for me?  No, in fact I end up losing more than I gain in this situation.  It’s ok to be nice and all, but the truth is that this is a pattern I’ve run in the past.  I’ve allowed people to not pay me back.  I’ve allowed people to take advantage of me.  I’ve allowed people to use me.  I don’t want that to be a part of my life anymore, so the answer is no.  So now I move up to Pride.

What are you angry about?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

I Wish…

Desire.  Up the map we go to level 6.  Dr. Hawkins found that Desire vibrates at a level of 125.  Desire is where you find jealousy, comparing, and longing.  You can hear yourself say I want more, and I deserve more.

How often have you said that I can’t keep living this way?  You notice how everyone else is living their life and wish that you could have that in your life.  It could be about anything that you want in your life from the seemingly mundane to the life altering.  What do you wish you had?

For so many years growing up, I just wanted to be like everyone else.  I didn’t want to be different.  I didn’t want to be singled out.  I wanted what everyone else wanted.  I would move up into Desire and then slip back into Fear.  I wanted to make a change in my life, but did I truly want it.  Not enough apparently because I would remain in the dream state, but why would I do that?  The next level up from Desire is Anger.  I didn’t want to be an angry person.  So, I would fluctuate between Fear and Desire.  I would hope and dream and then my fears would swallow me up.  I couldn’t take that step.  I couldn’t completely walk through that door.  I had a desire to be like everyone else, but I couldn’t quite do it.  In this case it might be because I wasn’t meant to be like everyone else.  I would do it for a while, but a true part of me would come in and the illusion would be dashed.  I was meant to be me and my path forward in this life may have similarities to yours, but it varies.

Other examples, love.  I have longed and dreamed since I was a little girl to be a wife and have children.  I’m still single and have no children.  My fears couldn’t quite overcome my desire, until recently.  I’ve been working on my personal blocks that have led me to turn down dates for no seemingly good reason other than the idea of how could that person possibly like me.  I had to get angry and move up before I could start to become empowered.  I might still be single, but I’ve finally started to become confident in who I am as person.  My desire finally started to push me forward.  My desire started to outweigh my fear.

What do you desire in your life?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

I’m Afraid

Fear.  The 5th level of Dr. David Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness, which vibrates at a level of 100 within the body.  Most of us are aware of the feeling of I’m afraid, but how does it make you act?  It can make you feel anxious; Give you a racing brain; The inability to focus; And paralyze you.

Fear is an emotion that can controls us.  It prevents us from moving forward.  Whether it’s a fear that is conscious or unconscious.  Fear is a complex emotion that we may not even realize is controlling us.  Our fears can be used to manipulate us.  While we think it might be keeping us safe, it is preventing us from living and growing.

Fear is all around us.  Look at the world around us.  The things that we’ve been taught can end up being used against us.  The idea that we might not be right about something, that we have long believed to be true, can keep us from examining a new perspective or listening to a new opinion.  This is reflected everywhere right now.  People will only follow people on Facebook and Instagram that have the same beliefs.  They will follow a news outlet that portrays their political perspective.  We seem to live in a moment in time where even facts can be twisted into a lie or to fit an opinion.  How can that be?  People are fearful that if others knew the truth, they would be different, so only certain information is disclosed.  We’re at a turning point right now, you have the option examine something for what it is and make up your own mind.  You don’t have to let the collective fears control you.

Then there are individual fears.  For so many years, I would say that I was afraid of living.  I’d been hurt and I wanted to control situations, so they turned out how I wanted.  I wanted things to magically appear without having to put myself out there.  Do I still try to do this?  Unfortunately, yes.  I’m a human being, just like you.  I don’t want to be wrong, but the truth is, I don’t know everything.

My fears stopped me from moving forward.  They stopped me from leaving jobs, going on dates, or living an authentic life.  Oh, where to begin with my fears.  We live within a set range of emotions.  The top of my set was probably Fear for a long time.  I would go to bed at night and my mind would race.  I had severe anxiety and my mind would loop.  I didn’t know how to stop it.  People would give me suggestions and I didn’t feel capable of giving it a try.  I would say that I’m not ready or I’ll try later.  It could have been as simple as dancing with someone.  The problem was that I never became ready.  I didn’t try again later.  Fear had paralyzed me and my life.

The thing is that life around me didn’t stop.  I just didn’t participate in it.  I was stuck.  I felt detached from the world and myself.  I saw what seemed like everyone moving on in their life and I remained in the same place.  The things that I had dreamed of growing up seemed to allude me.  I missed so many opportunities became my fears held me back.

So how did I start moving forward?  At first it was exploring something new.  Opening my mind up to the possibility that maybe there was something I didn’t know.  That led me to participating in something new, which led me to becoming a part of something.  One day things were just different.  I had been moving through my fear without even realizing it.  Imagine what you could do, if you did realize you were moving through your fears.

Does that mean that my life became “perfect”?  No, but it was better.  There were so many things that I had discounted.  People that I had hurt and hadn’t even realized.  There were layers upon layers that I needed to examine.

The day that I was fired from my job was terrifying and freeing at the same time.  I hadn’t been without a job since I was 17.  I knew that I was moving in a less traditional direction, but I needed to have a way to earn an income.  What was I going to do?  I started out small.  I started looking for a job in another field, while also dreaming about what could be.  I started dreaming about a business that combined all the things that I had become interested in, but how did I do that?  I began asking questions and the answers were revealed.  I started putting together a business.  When my severance expired, I wasn’t where I had hoped to be, but I kept going.  I got a part-time job.  I cut out everything that I didn’t need or use on a regular basis.  I kept going.  Are things in my life perfect now?  No, but I’m so much happier today than I was just over a year ago.  I started to confront my fears and space started to open.  I still have fears that are being tackled, but they no longer hold me back from living.  By releasing fear, I started moving into Desire.

What fears are holding you back?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

What Could Have Been

Grief.  The 4th level on the Map of Consciousness.  According to Dr. David R. Hawkins, Grief vibrates at a level of 75 and is the land where sorrow, depression and sadness resonate.  It is the inner voice that says I didn’t want it to be this way; It could have been different; I don’t want to let go.

Grief is an area of life that most of us try to avoid, but we seem to land there at the strangest of times.  There’s the obvious of grieving the loss of a loved one or an idol.  As of the writing of this blog post, the death of Kobe Bryant from a helicopter cash is plastered across the media.  No matter what you thought of him as a person, you can’t question that many people idolized him and are now grieving the loss of a not only a man, his daughter and others on board, but the idea of what could have been.  What if he hadn’t gotten on that helicopter in foggy weather?

There’s also grief over a part of you that was lost.  A part of you that you held back for whatever reason.  A part of you that wasn’t allowed to experience life.  Maybe your childhood prevented you from truly living as a child. 

Another type of grief is the loss of a dream.  This is something that we currently see across the United States.  No matter what your political ideology, things aren’t the way we thought they were or that they could be.  Things could and should be different.  People should be kinder to each other.  They shouldn’t bully others because their viewpoint is different.  People should listen to each other.

But, let’s go back to the most obvious form of grief, death of a loved one.  How did you learn to grieve a loss?  There were family members that disappeared from my life, but I had only met most of them a handful of times.  I lost a classmate at the age of 4 in a tragic accident.  I don’t know that at 4 I began to understand what that actually meant or the impact it had on me, but I will say the first person that I was close to that died was at the age of 17, my maternal grandfather Paul.  As children we see our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and elders as greater than life figures.  Nothing will ever happen to them, but this is life.  For each one of us, our life on this planet is limited.  Whether it is a long-fulfilled life or one cut tragically short.  I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandparents growing up.  They were a part of every event that I can recall, birthdays and holidays.  I would spend time with them at their home.  My greatest remembrance of my Papa was his love of reading and watching C-SPAN all day long.  He taught me to love reading and to make my own opinions, to research and discover them for myself.

The indications that his time was running out began in early December.  He was gone by January 1.  Watching him that Christmas it was obvious that I probably wouldn’t see him again and that he was no longer the infallible person I’d known.  He was going blind and had trouble taking the tape off a present.

I went to bed on December 31 sobbing and gasping for breath.  The next morning, I knew why.  I did what I’d been taught to do, I soldiered on.  I went back to school, only briefly though for the Ice Storm of 1998 struck that week.  My first funeral was held in the dark.  The minister needed a flashlight to read his notes.  He hadn’t brought one with him, so he had to borrow one from one of my aunts.  I watched my grandmother and the word that had always come to mind is stoic.  She had lost her partner of 57 years.  I never saw her cry.  That was my true introduction to grief.  I don’t know that I truly knew how to process the loss.  New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day lost their magical feeling and I learned to live without him.  Starting in 2004, most of that generation disappeared year by year.  Other than 2006 and 2011, I lost a close family member every year until 2012.  Every death was different.  Every reaction was different, and I just wanted it to stop.

I don’t know that I had time to fully process one loss before I was on to the next.  I did learn that every person grieves differently.  Some seem to have incredible faith, some know their spirit is still with us, and others seem to stop living.

In order to move forward, we truly must process our grief in whatever form it may be.  That may involve crying.  It may involve soul searching.  However, your process it is the right way for you.  So many of us stay stuck in Apathy because we don’t want to feel.  We don’t want to confront and deal with our emotions.  Our emotions make us human.  By releasing them, we’re able to move up to Fear.

What in your life are you grieving or need to grieve?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

It’s Not My Fault!

Apathy or Blame.  Number 3 on the Map of Consciousness.  Where it’s not my fault.  Why did they do this to me?  This is where the helpless and poor me reside and you’re the victim of your life.  According to Dr. Hawkins, Apathy resonates at a vibration of 50.

When you’re in Apathy, you tend to feel stuck and can’t move forward.  You can’t decide.  A person can remain in Apathy for a long time unless their focus begins to shift.  You may not want to feel an emotion, whether it be grief, fear, or anger.  You may not want to make a decision that could be difficult.  You may not even know you’re doing it.  Sometimes it’s easier to be stuck.  It can feel like no matter what you do, nothing will change.  It can’t possibly get any better.  Are you exhausted?  You could be resonating here in Apathy.  You’re left wandering around, just feeling lost.

What if I said that you don’t have to stay here, but like Shame and Guilt, you need to speak it and own what has led you to this point.

Emotional numbing is term that is used when it comes to Apathy.  For many years, I didn’t want to feel anything bad.  I only wanted to experience the good in life.  I had experienced enough loss.  Too many people that I knew had died or let me down and I was tired of it.  I didn’t want to hurt anymore.  I was avoiding the pain.  I was in denial.

I would complain about my life.  Other people were making my life miserable.  At one of my previous jobs, I loved it until the main attorney I worked with left to move across the country.  I was assigned to another attorney.  We had different work styles and I wasn’t all that interested in the type of law that she practiced, but I didn’t have a choice.  I tried to push through as best I could, but I was quickly losing interest.  I tried to get assigned to someone else, but that didn’t work.  Every night I would come home and complain.  I would get sympathy from some of my co-workers.  I felt like I had no options.  This went on for months.  Eventually the emotions took over.  I would listen to “Mean” by Taylor Swift repeatedly on the ride home and cry.  Nothing was changing.

One day I had a conversation with a colleague.  He said I had options.  If things couldn’t change where I was, I had the option to leave.  I had never considered myself a quitter.  My father had worked at one job for his career.  I thought that was part of having a career, you worked at one job until your retired.  It was the first time I felt like I had options.  I started to think about the possibility of something new.  Within a few weeks, I had a new job.

Denial had been a pattern for me in the past.  Maybe if I stuck my head in the sand, the problem would go away.  But it never did.  I had to accept the situation for what it was.  I had to grieve what I had lost.  I had to move up the Map of Consciousness.

Who do you blame?  What’s keeping you stuck?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

Why Did I Say That?

Guilt.  The feeling of being a failure and inadequate.  Where you ask yourself why did I do that?  Why did I say that?  Can I fix it?  On Dr. Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness, Guilt vibrates at a level of 30.

Guilt is a step up from Shame.  The biggest difference between the two is with Shame, you’re a bad person and with Guilt what you did was bad.  Guilt still isn’t an emotion that most of us wish to talk about, but it is better than speaking about your Shame.  The only way through these emotions is to speak them aloud.

I spent a large portion of my life living in Guilt.  I would question everything I said.  I wanted to fix it, but I didn’t know how.  I spent hours of my day trying to figure out what I did or said that was wrong.  How did I end up there?  I felt guilty if I acted and guilty if I didn’t.  Why didn’t I say anything? 

The things that I wished that I had said were the most common for me.  I wished that I had told someone that I liked him, or I didn’t speak up for myself and allowed someone to walk all over me.  But why didn’t I?  Could I say something the next time and “fix it”?  What if I could go back and do something over again and then fix it?  These were the repeating stories in my head.  Most every interaction with someone else led to these questions and it was exhausting.

In the past my tendency was to keep quiet.  When I would say something and it wouldn’t come out right or someone would misinterpret my point, it was easier to keep quiet.  We can have as much guilt for what we did do or say as what we didn’t.  My guilt and shame were one in this case.  If I didn’t say something, it was because I thought who was I to have an opinion or to think that someone might feel the same way?

There’s a saying that the guilt can eat you alive and it can.  It’s an emotion that can take the joy of life away from you.  If you question everything you say, every action or reaction, what’s left?  My mind would loop around the past.  Why did I do that?  Why did I say that?  But by living in Guilt I never allowed myself to live in the present.  I didn’t allow myself to experience life or what could be.

To get out of the loop, I had to determine what my Guilt was about.  Once I was able to speak it and claim it, I was on to the next level of the map, Apathy.

What do you feel Guilty about?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

I’m Not Good Enough

Shame.  The very bottom of Dr. David Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness.  If you resonate at Shame, you’re vibrating at an energetic level of about 20.  The emotional level where I’m not good enough, I hate myself and I feel nothing reside.  A place that is dark and undeserving.

Shame is a challenging place to be, but unfortunately it’s one where most of us have been.  Just talking about Shame has a negative connotation to it.  Who wants to talk about their sense of shame?  After last week’s blog post I knew that the next steps were for me to discuss Dr. Hawkins’ work in depth and the best approach would be to start from the bottom, but I had resistance to discussing it.  But, why?  It meant me discussing my own past shames.  Even though I’ve worked through it, doesn’t necessarily mean I want to post it on the internet.   But, it’s the next step on my journey so here goes.

I spent quite a few years not feeling good enough.  Shame had a certain comfort to it.  I couldn’t say no to other people.  That would mean they might catch on to my not being good enough then they really wouldn’t love me.  The only thing that I truly wanted was for love to be in my life, but I couldn’t even love myself.  I spent a long time in that place of why would anyone love me.  How I ended up there is more complicated.  It involves topics that I’ve previously discussed and ones that I’ve yet to reveal, but the point is that I was ashamed of myself.  There were some bright shiny moments where I would allow myself to feel more, but eventually the feelings would come back and ensnare me again.

I knew that my family had a tendency towards addiction, so I avoided alcohol and drugs, but was trapped by one thing that I couldn’t avoid, food.  I would use sugary or salty foods, primarily junk foods to numb my pain.  It created a spiral where it would numb my pain, but then added to the feeling of being unlovable since I was overweight.

So how did I move up?  I began working through my past.  As I did more work and discovered more about myself, I started to allow little bits of love in.  There are some people that you can’t help but allow in.  For me, they were my nephews and niece.  Beginning with the birth of my eldest nephew in 2011, I had the pure light of a child in my life.  A new sense of wonder and the ability to look at life through a different set of eyes.  I could see for the first time that I didn’t start out there and I didn’t have to stay there.  I had hope.

Do you feel this way about a part of your life?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

New Year. New Decade. New You!

It’s officially 2020!  The countdown seems to have lasted forever, but the year that was 2019 is officially in the past.

Waking up on New Year’s Day, the energy was already different.  There seemed to be more of a hum, then a constant buzz for me, but that doesn’t mean that the world that was 2019 has ended, but we are on to the next chapter.

If you follow astrology, you know that 2020 has plenty to experience.  There will be many planetary meetings in the sky.  Saturn, the planet of Karma, will continue to reveal our path and what we need to work on.

For me, 2019 felt like the year of challenges and lessons.  If you look at it from a numerological perspective, it had the world energy of a 3, but for me it was a personal year of 4.  I am a 1 life path and I felt every bit of the challenge in those numbers.  This year will be a 5 year for me and I’m looking forward to the natural match energy to my life path.  However, 2019 gave me the gift of exploration.  I was forced to look back at my past and what I wanted my future to be.  I had to work through all the emotional attachments to past events.  The coaching certification program that I enrolled in is based on the work of Dr. David Hawkins entitled Power vs. Force.  Dr. Hawkins examined human behavior and our bodies’ reaction to trauma.  He then placed the basic emotions on a map and assigned them on a scale up to 1000.  These emotions range from Shame to Enlightenment.

Most of us, I’m sure you’re included, want to skip all the way up to Enlightenment.  It is crappy to experience Shame, Guilt, Apathy, Grief, Fear or Anger.  The problem with our way of thinking is those emotions are still there.  I had spent so much time learning to come from a place of optimism and positivity that I hadn’t taken the time to acknowledge the hurt.  Once I did, space began to open.  Did everything I want to come through at once?  I wish, but I had to peel the layers away and tackle the next emotion.

The last few years and 2020 will be included, have been forcing all of us to examine our past.  You may not like it, I know I certainly haven’t, but we are being called to shift to a new perspective.  A new way of looking at things.  We can either continue to resist or you can open a new door.  A new possibility.  So many of us start the new year off with a resolution.  A friend of mine a few years ago mentioned that at the end of the previous year she assigns a word for what she wants to experience the next year.  It is this practice that I have been playing with.  My word for 2020 is expansion.  I want to continue to expand my life and those experiences that make up who I am.

Wouldn’t you like to make 2020 the year where you took a step to releasing the baggage that is your past?   I’m right there with you.  I continue to do this work every day.  At first it is a challenge, but like anything it gets easier.

So, what do you want 2020 to look like for you?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

Happily Ever After

Growing up I loved watching Disney movies.  To be honest, I still do.  Today we have role models that are powerful like Elsa and Moana.  They act from an empowered place.  They are who they are, and others need to learn to accept them for who they are.  My favorites in my youth were Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.  They don’t seem all that empowered now, they look like two role models who needed to be saved.

In 1981 Colette Dowling published a book The Cinderella Complex.  It’s a theory that women are afraid of independence and have an unconscious desire to be taken care of by others.  While I would love to say that I haven’t fallen into this trap, I probably have.  But, 2019 was the year that I started working on reversing this story.  I wanted someone to come and save me.  Whether it was from financial issues, having to work, or just being alone and wanting someone to be in a relationship with.  I wanted someone else to come and save me from life’s problems.  Like a fairy tale, I dreamed that by having someone “save me” all my problems would disappear.

There was just one problem, nobody else could save me.  I had to learn to save myself.  I had to take control and be empowered in my own life.  The idea that I had been waiting to be saved was a difficult one to swallow.  Why would I do that?  I don’t really have an explanation.  There are many theories that our experiences up to the ages of 7 to 8 shape who we become as adults.  Could that include something as simple as watching a movie repeatedly?  Maybe.  There is also the conditioning of women by society that could be a part of it.  Growing up women have been taught that our main responsibility is to be a wife and a mother.  Until the 1970’s, women only had a few career options, including being a secretary or teacher.  Once you were married, your occupation became that of a housewife.  Women didn’t even obtain the right to vote until 1920.

I was born at the end of 1980, so lots of changes were still underway regarding the role of women in the workplace and the home.  It is still shifting today.  In order to become the person that I am meant to be, I have had to examine my programing and work to save myself.  Only I can do that.  I can have someone else as a partner in my journey and discuss a path forward, but the ultimate decision is mine, as it is yours.  Only you can change your life. 

For me, 2019 has meant stepping into the person that I’m meant to be.  I’m still a work in progress, as are you, and we all are until the day we breathe our last breath.

In fairy tales, movies, and books, there is an end.  Many of them ending with a happily ever after.  We spend our lives seeking our own version of happily ever after, but what if we have it wrong?  What if our version of happily ever after is meant to be about ourselves?  We can never be truly happy in our lives if we don’t love who we are.  Another person can’t make you love yourself.  It’s an inside job.

So, as we close out not only another year, but another decade, what is your goal for 2020?  Who do you want to become?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do?  Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment. 

Just Ask

There are times when you just have to ask for what you want and trust that you will receive a response.

This is a good test for this holiday season.  We are in the home stretch.  Christmas is on Wednesday and the New Year the next week.  But this is the time of year when people have expectations or miscommunications can arise.  You may expect someone to take care of the last-minute Christmas shopping or pick something up at the grocery store and they don’t.

My case is a little different.  I have been working a part-time job while I build my business.  The hair salon that I work at is closed a couple of the shifts that I typically work this Christmas week.  Just because they are closed doesn’t mean that my bills change.  So, one of my co-workers had an emergency arise this past week and I had the opportunity for two additional shifts.  In total the extra shifts amount to the same number of hours, plus a couple, that I lose the week of Christmas.  I said I needed help, but I had to trust that it would happen, and it did.

Trusting that our needs will be taken care of isn’t always easy.  I want things to happen in a specific way.  I want to do it myself, but that isn’t always possible.  It isn’t entirely up to me.  There are forces out there greater than me, but I had to ask.  Just thinking it wasn’t enough in this case.  I had to ask for help out loud.  It wasn’t directed to anyone.  It was like a prayer.

Asking for help isn’t easy.  It’s a lesson that I have had to practice a lot recently.  It’s not a lesson that I’m particularly fond of or comfortable with, but it’s an important one. 

As we head into Christmas and the new year, we can speak our truth and state what we need.  Practice this skill.  It doesn’t come easily.  Nothing that is worth having ever does, but it’s worth it in the end. 

What truth do you need to speak?  Where do you need help in life?  Let me know.  Do you want to know more about what I do? Click here to book a discovery session or an appointment.

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